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welcome to the world

I have a bunch of things to bitch about, I really do. But it has melted away.

I'm an auntie. Elise was born 10/07/12 at 5:11p.m. 7lbs 10 oz, 21 inches long.

My sister had a rough time with the labor, but she is okay now.

She is sooooo cute I can't believe it.


Almost 30

I've been meaning to post for a while. In 2 weeks I'm turning 30 and I feel really anxious about it. I feel like it's this deadline for me to get my life together and I'm not going to be able to meet it. Now, I know this is in my head and that it's an arbitrary milestone. All the things that are bothering me- being single, not having money in the bank, not loving my job, my weight- just seem so less ominous for a 29 year old than a 30 year old. The single part bothers me the most. I'm reading a self help book. For God's sake, that is soooo 30. I feel old. I feel like a failure. I feel so.... Inadequate.
I didn't really feel like making a big deal out of my bday this year. I thought so anyway, but I kept getting pressured to nail it down and send an invite. Now that the time and place is picked, I've been told to stop trying to throw my own party and that my friends will take care of everything. I have a lot of really good friends and I appreciate they're trying to make me feel loved. That helps me feel less alone.

I have had 2 good dates with a guy named Nate. I actually feel like I like him. He is very conscientious. He brought me an orchid on our first date. How cute is that.

Shift in psyche

I'm a really impatient person sometimes. I'm trying to work on it. Earlier in the week, after my last pathetic self pitying post about no one loving me, I got a call from Jonathan out of the blue. I was at the gym and missed the call, but in the voicemail, he said we should get together. I called him back a few hours later and left a voicemail. After a few days of him not getting back to me, I decided just to approach it more casually and so I sent him an email on Friday of this silly picture of him I took on my phone the last time we hung out. He responded asking what I was up to this weekend, but I was out with friends (and drunk) so I decided I'd wait until Saturday to get back to him. I knew if I was drunk, I'd just end up throwing myself at him, and while I wanted to sleep with him, I wanted to back off and let him make the moves. Additionally, I wanted to be okay with the idea that he might not be making any moves and that we would just be friends. If I were drunk, I knew I'd have little patience for that and would probably just throw myself at him again. LOL. So yesterday I called him and left a message. He called me back and we arranged to meet up later on because we were both on our way to meet friends in different parts of town. I had already had a couple beers when I met up with him, but I felt pretty sober. I intentionally did not do any flirtatious body language moves (no hand on his leg, no touching his shoulder, no resting my head on him) like I would normally do to clue a guy in. I was rocking some serious cleavage though. We got burritos and a 12 pack and rented a movie and head back to my house. It felt normal and comfortable like friends. Z hung out with us and we all watched the movie together and smoked. Him and I sat on the same couch but not touching. After the movie, when she left the room, he moved closer to me and rested his head on my shoulder. After a while, we were making out and moved it to my room. He is really big. It kind of hurts, but I think that pain is kind of hot. It's a big departure from Manik who is on the small side of average. Also, Manik has never once gone down on me, and Jonathan regularly does. (P.s. that stereotype about black guys not eating pussy? I think it's a myth because every one I've had always does without prompting.) The sex is good. I like how he's a really big dude. I'm 5'5" and he's easily a foot taller than me. His driver's license said he's 300 lbs. It feels really nice being wrapped in his arms. There's something about a big burly dude that just makes you feel dainty. Mmmmm black neck roll. I feel like I'm never a top when I'm with him, even though I'm used to taking the reigns. Anyway, he left about an hour ago, after I made us breakfast. He said he'll call me later, which I don't really expect that he will. I don't know, it could be the PCG (post coital glow) but I feel okay with whatever our sex does or doesn't mean right now. It was nice to reaffirm we at least like hanging out with each other. And now my bed smells like man.

It's too beautiful a day to give a shit about the Superbowl. Pam and I are going to walk around the Haight and shop.



I think I had coffee too late in the day. I feel tired but my body is awake. I feel like I could go to bed now and be in for the night even though it's not even 6pm. I'm here at the gym, gotta change for bootcamp, and part of me wants to.just walk right out of here. But I'm young and even if I'm tired, my body can handle an hour long work out, so I will soldier on. Note to self: if you're getting an afternoon coffee, one shot is probably enough. I don't know why it would have affected me this much.

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day of the wedding

My hair appointment is across town in 2 hours. I'm forcing myself to stay in bed another 30mins. My stomach is upset; it's probably nerves but eating a huge burrito last night was also probably not the best idea. Still, I did not drink and I got a good night's sleep. Oh, I'm nervous about forgetting something. My speech is ready and I've purchased a variety of just in case items to have with me (bobby pins, band aids, granola bars, alcohol, stain remover, gum, safety pins, tissues, etc). You never know what might be needed. It's going to be a long, emotional, and fun day.

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High waisted skirt

High waisted skirt by mllegemaricaine
High waisted skirt, a photo by mllegemaricaine on Flickr.

I feel very vain today. I wore a high-waisted skirt with a shirt tucked in and a cropped sheer cardigan. I knew heels would look better, but I wore flats for comfort. I don't generally think of myself as curvy, but today I feel very curvy. I tend to just see myself as a little overweight since I carry most of my weight in my stomach and face, rather than on my hips or in my chest. My hips are about the same as my waist, but I notice that messing with the proportions of outfits can make it look like I have more curves instead of a pot belly. I like it.

In other vain unimportant news, I finally got an appointment for my hair the day of the wedding (in 9 days!). I want to do something retro but definitely an updo. I ran it by Tara (the bride) and she gave me the go-ahead to do my hair any way I want. There are four bridesmaids and I am the shortest one. I thought I was the fattest but I think I'm about the same size as one and then the other two are skinny minnies and so I've been a little worried about looking squat in the photos. I shouldn't compare myself to them anyway, but of course I do.

went well

I'm currently on the bus to work after my interview. It was a tad further of a walk than I had thought but it's still walkable. The space was really neat too. I would really like to work for a forward thinking company. They have doubled in size in the last 18 months and expect to double in size again in the next 18 months. It seems like it'd be a great opportunity to take ownership of the role and move upward from there. Figures were not discussed but he said basically the first 90 days (or less) would be done as consultant work to find out if it was a good fit. He said if it seemed to be working out, they'd make an offer sooner than later. He also said there were a few more interviews this week and he'd get back to me Thursday or Friday. So, I don't know about my competition, but I felt I personally did well. Also, I dressed in a retro style to give me what I hope comes across as flair and makes me memorable. Ignore my messy room- Margarita comes today to take care of that.  anyway, I don't know if I'll make the cut, but intuition-wise, I had a good feeling and I'd go for this.

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Cooking experiment

I wanted to make stuffed shells tonight, using my homemade marinara, and a ricotta and spinach filling. After I cooked the whole package of shells and defrosted my sauce, I realized it wasn't going to be enough filling. I cut up and baked a kabocha squash and started making a cream sauce. But then I decided the squash would be a side dish since it doesn't really go with marinara in my mind. I had some marinated zuchinni and eggplant slices from Trader Joe's that I cooked in my cream sauce. So the second batch of shells is stuffed with cream sauce,eggplant,and zucchini and topped with marinara. I'm almost more excited about the second batch than the first.

Jun. 22nd, 2011

Today is really not going well at all. I'm disappointed in myself for a number of reasons and honestly I shouldn't even take the time to enumerate on them because I'm trying to help clean up this mess I made at work while waiting for them to call me in and discipline me about said mess. It really was my error... and the client is pissed, so the partner and big cheese are pissed. And.... I understand why. I don't know what I can do about it now. Also, I'd really like to undo that last bottle of wine last night. It's hard enough to face today without adding to my idiocy.

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sur le train

I gotta say, I'm glad I decided to go out with Manik again. We met at the jazz club at 8:30pm on Friday and the date has just now ended, nearly 36 hours later. I really liked the jazz club and the food was pretty good. The dessert was good; I never usually order dessert but he loves chocolate. Afterward, we went up to Twin Peaks, a lover's lane spot that has a nice view when it's not too foggy. It was too foggy, so we made out in the car for a while. We got back to my place at 1am and he spent the night. In the morning, we slept in. He asked me when I was going to come see his place in the So. Bay. I guess that counted as an invitation and since I will be out of town the next 3 weekends (Mexico, then Vegas), I said well how about today so he drove me to his place in Santa Clata. He made lunch and we had a lazy day, watching movoes, drinking some beers in bed all day. At my behest, we took a walk around his neighborhood. He's been living there since Feb. and said that was his second walk around the neighborhood; people in the suburbs drive everywhere. But, it was a really nice weekend, and I felt comfortable around him, and not worried about what else was going on, which I believe is a good sign. It's father's day, and we are doing some wine tasting and picnic stuff up north, so I had to get up early to catch Caltrains back to the city so I can get a ride up north with Richard. It's nice that Manik drove me to the train station. I appreciate that. Without a vehicle, you really have to plan ahead when juggling responsibilities in different locations because you depend on other people.
Well, I guess I won't see him for 3 weeks then. I should have done a million and one prep things this weekend- like laundry and last minute shopping, but I decided to just do whatever I wanted which turned out to be hanging out with him. No regrets.

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